Po Nagar Cham

Named for the ten armed Mother Goddess who taught the cham people how to plant rice and weave. This place was really amazing. It sits at the top of a hill next to the river surrounded by mountains. 

I find myself more drawn to the shoes outside of the temple than the temple itself

it was very windy today so i wrapped my hair up.. i've never had so many people ask me if i was arabian HAHA

..if only i could write or draw sound.. 

Headed toward heaven..

This is the place that I could stay for a long time. There are islands dotting the blue gray green sea and huge mountains surrounding everything. Its gorgeous and much much cooler here. Breathtaking.

words dilute what is

Agent Orange

I don't even know what to say about the War Remnant Museum. This is one of those times that I envy the people who can whip up speedy and meaningful reflections. All I can say is that I feel a sense of guilt and shame.. partially for being oblivious to the true nature of war and this degree of violence, and partially for reasons I don't really know. The other is a true feeling of embarrassment.. in front of god, aliens, the cosmic mind or any of the other sources that witness how we humans treat each other.

a kilo of rain water

II.

my right now

is charcoal gray 

smudged over beautiful today 

pink turned black 

raining

i bled back to white

torn paper heart

stained light gray

a long goodbye kiss to this world

im like a city with no people

a field of muddied rocks

a lonely drained pond

empty clouds that

offer nothing

here i am

envious of the stars in their beautiful tonight 

III.

tarnished like the coffee pot of a shut-in's apartment 

reused by the same dirty hands I wrap myself up in

like a blanket of barbs

and a pillow of broken glass 

handmade by the ones who loved me and left me

the ones I loved and left 

like the book I bend at the spine

and take in the tub

knowing the steam weakens its glue

because I need company

eventually pages fall out and ink runs off

dripping onto a sheet only strong enough to hold the weight of one

Tigers and red labels roar after me

waking me from a light sleep

shaking me from tender daydreams

let me rest 

like your finest piece of china

reserved for special company that never comes

let me rest

like the dusty pen of a blocked writer

take your tigers and leave me be

like the spring wildflowers of a high moutain meadow 

Caodai

Me in Cu Chi

hmm..

yes? no.. I dont think so. I made it about 2 feet before coming back up. Hell-to-the-NO on the underground tunnel thing.

Mr. Minh and I

its magic

where I got my breakfast this morning. 

Some kind of donut..with something inside..
some kind of sweet sesame topping..
some kind of spectacular.

.. m(e)racles..

Suddenly. I realize that I am living my wildest dream. For the first time in my entire life I know the satisfaction of true self-love and acceptance. Today I believe in redemption, I believe in forgiveness. Today i get to believe in hope. Because I am experiencing the miracle of  transformation in my own life. I get to witness my own story unfold, from fear despair and isolation to a life of honesty connection compassion humility and happiness. My wildest dream, my wish on every sta,r in every tunnel, through every yellow light was to be happy.. to maybe 

know what it feels like to have inner peace and to not be caught in the constant crossfire of internal war. To know quiet and contentment. 

Its been a long way unfolding, but today the words came to me. I sit here amazed at the fact that I am okay with being me today, on a level I didn't even know existed. Its on a spiritual level. The fact that I am living my then wildest dream and I know that it hasn't even gotten as good as it will be is cool... like that was my wildest dream when I will still living in the box. Now that I am out.. it can only become bigger more expansive more complete. And its really neat that I get to walk this journey. 

I am living proof to myself that there is some kind of good orderly direction out in the universe. Because if there wasn't, I would have been dead a long time ago, or at least still living in the darkness I was once in. I never would have had a chance to get out of the life I was living and know the beauty I get to know today. I would never know what it is like to sit in my own company and not be afraid of my thoughts. 

There was a time that I was a house of ghosts. I was a big haunted house, but all the doors were shut and locked. All the lights were off.  There was only one small light on in the living room where I stayed and dared never to leave. All of my belongings were in that one room, around that one small light. I lived in such terror of what was behind those other doors, in those other rooms. I was haunted. But moving on the path to recovery I began to go into each room, open the door, turn on the light, open the window. Some rooms were scarier than others. but i didn't have to do it alone, I have people who held my hand and stood with me, urging me forward. Telling me that I am safe now. Here I am today, every light is on, every door is open, the windows are open letting in fresh air. I can't be in every room at the same time, but I am now free to move about the house. I get to live in my own house, and move room to room as i please. There are no more ghosts. I am not afraid of who I was, who i've been because I know who i am today.  I dont need to work so hard to keep doors shut. I dont have to extend so much energy convincing myself that I am something i'm not.  Today I get to inhabit my own home.

I am just so grateful that I managed to stay alive long enough to experience the miracle that is my life today. And I am not special, what I have is available to anyone, as our divine right.  Love, happiness and peace my divine right as a being of this universe. Life is really cool today. I get to know peace, I get to be playful again, I get to know what its like to experience life from a trusting point of view. 

Vastly contented. 

The best part

This classroom fits over 100 students! luckily I have only 21 (so far). This is me after my 4th class. Unfortunately we arn't allowed to take pictures during the lesson with the students, but I am going to work on changing this. I wear heels during the lesson, and move the desks in a half circle.. there is no a/c so as soon as the class is over I put on flip flops and tie my hair up. 

This lesson was about wishing.. "What do you wish for?"

top wishes were, a motorbike, lots of money to travel around the world, 

and to be a teacher ;)

random shots that upload fast..

anonymity.. sobriety exists abroad. thank goodness for new friends.

a vietnamese parking lot..

Traffic fairies:

Imagine a parade, 24 hours a day. motorbikes, cars, bicycles jam packed in the street. Crossing the street is really crazy. You just walk slow and kind of close your eyes as the traffic zooms around you. As i was taking my walk of faith across a big intersection I suddenly feel a hand on my arm jerk me back and a huge bus speed just past the tip of my nose. she seriously saved my life, and I can't even remember what she looked like. All i remember is the huge gust of smog that blasted into my face when that bus rushed by. 

An old man helped me cross the street.I guess I was just standing there too long waiting for a gap in the traffic and he couldn't take it any longer. Anyways, he rushed across the street to grab my hand and insist that I step out into the traffic.I wasn't ready to go, so i tried my best to smile and remain on the sidewalk, but he just dragged me into the traffic by my wrist half giggling in vietnamese. It was really funny having an old man help a young lady to cross the street. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Boundaries

 Men here, hold hands and wrap their arms around eachother as they walk down the street. Its actually kind of cool. Because back at home, people are so homophobic that it can be wierd for guys to even hug eachother. Here, friends and brothers walk down the street arms around shoulders, linking arms deep in conversation and laughter. Its refreshing really. Even some of my students sit with their arms around eachothers shoulders.

Burns

Upon learning the art of moto-taxi-ing.. I have learned that exhaust pipes, are very hot. Yes they even have the power to take off a few layers of skin, and replace what was once your flesh with a salami colored circle screaming in pain every time you take a step. I found out today that this is called 'the saigon hickey' . But I like to pretend it looks like a really tough gang sign.. most likely I just look like i'm part of the 'westerner who doesn't know how the fuck to get off a bike right' gang, and I totally got jumped in.  

Baby in a what? 

who would have thought that ankle socks and high heels was acceptable? or toe socks and open toe shoes? or that putting a net over your baby (i call this baby in a bag) on the barstool (baby on a barstool) on the scooter is somehow practicing safety? wow! shows what a sheltered life I've been living. did i mention, that baby doesn't ever wear a helmet? I just can not will not be able to get over this. Its really fascinating. 

a few lines